Chapter Six

Tactics Used By Children to Manipulate Authority

I have worked with children, adolescents and their families since 1982.  They have taught me a lot over the years. I have learned the ins and the outs of manipulating adult authority. I was an adolescent once and utilized my own developed tactics during that time of my life. Like many of you reading this book, I personally got away with a few devious deeds in my past. I am sure my parents would drop dead if they ever learned the truth about their role model child. Naturally, as our parents once had to do when we were younger, we are now faced with raising children and adolescents of our own. We love and want the best for our children, just as our parents wanted the best for us. Now it is our turn to carry the baton of wisdom and experience.

Here is the problem: wisdom comes from experience and we don’t have any previous experiences. Raising children is just as new for us as it was for our parents when we were born. It is wise to consult with our parents about what they did to raise us; however, their well-meaning advice doesn’t always fit the needs of the changing times. Rest assured, there are foundational truths that transcend each new generation of children and adolescents. It is an undeniable fact of life, as certain as death and taxes, that children will manipulate adult authority to achieve their goals whether or not they are moral, ethical, legal, or safe. The following are tactics used by children and adolescents to manipulate adult authority.

1. Guilt Trips.

The first tactic that children and adolescents will use to manipulate their parents and other adult authority figures is guilt. Guilt is like a hot knife that quickly cuts through the butter of our better judgment without resistance. We all love our children and we want them to know that. It is tough when they start comparing us to Attila the Hun, Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, or Sadam Hussein. Most parents desire to do a good job while raising their children and are curious about how they compare with other parents. Parents often question whether they are being too strict or too lenient. Unfortunately, parents don’t always have ways of connecting with other parents. When they do connect with other parents, it is often over sports activities, church or synagogue events, community activities, or other activities that normally bring the community together. During these community events, the focal point of discussion is not based on whether or not parents are being too strict or lenient as compared to other parents; rather the discussion is focused on the specific event that brought everyone together.

Fortunately, there are parent support groups developing around the country so the focal point of the discussion can be on how to parent one’s child. If you do not have a local parent support group, why not start one at your local school, church, synagogue, hospital, or community library? You can also join the free parent listserv via my website at www.Family-Rules.com and converse with parents from all over the world. Although it helps to know how you fit in with other parents in your community, ultimately, you are the ones who decide what your children may or may not do. If the majority of parents in your community believe it’s okay for their children to be out until 3:00 A.M., but you would rather have yours home by 10:00 P.M., then your children will be home by 10:00 P.M. Don’t allow your children to push your guilt buttons to cause you to go against your better judgment. Also, don’t forget, your primary role as a parent is that of disciplinarian.

First, you must paint the lines on the road of life and act as the guard rails on the dangerous curves, and second, you are a close friend. Don’t let your children guilt-trip you out of your primary role of disciplinarian. When children and adolescents want something really bad, they will try to get you to be their friend first and disciplinarian second. This is a fatal mistake and you must not let it happen. No! No! No!

Remember Carl from chapter one? He was very good at manipulating his parents and he definitely knew how to push their guilt buttons. When his parents were talking with him in therapy about the possibility of sending him to a long-term residential treatment facility, he would automatically raise abandonment issues. In the past, they sent him to a therapeutic snow boarding school in the “Lower 48 States” without much success. In my humble opinion, the program did not sound very structured, nor did it sound very thorough in it’s approach to treating children with emotional issues and behavioral problems. Carl would also raise issues of abandonment related to adoption. I observed his mother’s body language and facial expressions as she would back off from her stance. I saw Carl and his mother cycle in and out of this dance of guilt in my office on a few occasions. It wasn’t until Carl crossed the line, one too many times, with his mother that she finally decided, along with her husband, to send Carl off to a long-term residential treatment facility. She was no longer going to allow Carl to push her guilt buttons and prevent her from doing what she knew she had to do to save his life. While on the South Pacific Island, during my third escort, I had a chance to spend more time with Carl again. He openly admitted to me with remorse about how he would push his mother’s guilt buttons to avoid being sent away. Carl was glad that his mother finally put her foot down and took care of business. Carl believes that his mother and father saved his life.

2. Divide Authority and Conquer.

In 1861, President Abraham Lincoln made the very difficult decision to go to war against the southern Confederate states.  He stated, “A house divided will not stand.”  The Civil War was not just about the emancipation of the slaves in the United States of America.  Fortunately for all of us, President Lincoln saw the bigger picture concerning world economics, possible future world events, as well as potential foreign threats to our national security.  All of these issues were in his mind when he made his decision to fight for freedom and unity.  He understood that if the United States became the Divided States, permanently separated into two sovereign nations, we would become very vulnerable fish food to other global powers such as England, France, or Spain.  Could you imagine how the outcome of World War I or World War II might have been without the United States of America there to help fight for freedom?  If instead, we were the Divided States, two separate sovereign nations, both countries might have ended up with Swastikas flying on all of our flag poles today.  Because President Lincoln made the difficult decision back then to fight for maintaining the existence of the United States of America, all of us are free today.  Finally, his decision ultimately led to our first elected African American as President – Barack Obama.

Unfortunately, I have worked with families where children have successfully divided their parents. As years pass, certain relational patterns develop where both mom and dad believe that one parent is the good guy, while the other parent is the bad guy. Naturally, it is the other parent who is the bad guy. The problem with this approach to parenting is the fact that the house is divided and it will not stand. Therefore, the children get to sneak out the back door and get away with murder, while mom and dad are verbally assaulting one another. Divorced parents are at high risk for being vulnerable to this tactic of manipulation. For some parents, the divorce and the reasons leading up to it have already convinced them in their own minds that the other parent is indeed, the bad guy. It doesn’t take much convincing via a child’s manipulation to confirm in one’s own mind that their divorced spouse is always the problem.  The sad truth is that some children of divorced parents know this and will use this tactic as many times as necessary to get their own way.

Jim and Cheryl divorced many years ago. Their son, Steve, lived with his mother for many years. As Steve grew older, he hooked up with a group of negative peers. His mother and new stepfather began to make more rules around the home to contain his inappropriate behaviors. Steve was not pleased with his mother’s strictness, so he emotionally manipulated his father, Jim, and his new stepmother, so he could go live with them. Steve stayed with his father and new stepmother for almost one year until he burned his bridges with them too. By the end of the year, his mother, Cheryl, had forgotten all the negative manipulations that Steve did in her home, and was convinced by Steve that her ex-husband, Jim, was indeed the bad guy. Therefore, Cheryl rescued Steve and brought him back home to live with her. Everything went fine for a few weeks until the honeymoon period was over.  Back to square one again.

One day, Steve’s new stepfather found his credit cards in Steve’s pocket. Steve was going to use the credit cards to obtain cash advances in order get money for drugs. Cheryl and her new husband called up Jim and told him that he would have to take Steve back into his home. Jim and his new wife contacted me and set up an appointment to help them with the transition. Jim and his wife along with Cheryl and her husband came into my office for an appointment. Cheryl and her new husband made it clear that they did not want Steve back in their home. They were willing to give their one-hundred percent cooperation to Jim and his wife. They signed a contract supporting Steve’s presence in Jim’s home and their willingness not to interfere with any therapeutic recommendations made by myself. Cheryl and her new husband also agreed that if Steve came running back to them, whining and complaining about how Jim was a bad guy, they would direct him to go back to Jim’s home and work it out. They were no longer going to enable Steve with his manipulations.

I had managed to help Jim and Cheryl paint their son, Steve, into a corner that he could not get out of. Steve was left with only two options: Follow the rules at home and school and enjoy an abundant life, or disobey the rules at home and school and go away to a long-term residential treatment facility. When confronted in my office by Jim and myself, Steve chose to obey the rules at home and at school. Unfortunately, it only took approximately four weeks for Jim and me to realize that Steve’s commitment to following the rules was merely lip service. As a result, Steve chose to go to long-term residential treatment. As Steve was leaving my office, he told me that he was glad he was going because he felt like his life was out of control. He wanted help in getting a handle on his life and getting his feet back on the ground. I told you so! Children and adolescents really do want organization, structure, and discipline. They want their parents to be united and to keep them safe no matter what.

3. Anger.

If guilt trips or dividing authority does not work, then children will turn up the heat by utilizing the tactic of anger to manipulate their parents. If I received a penny for every time I heard about how a child has attempted to manipulate their parents with anger, I would be a wealthy man. Children and adolescents will slam doors, break things, stomp their feet, punch, kick, scratch, bite, shove, or scream at the top of their lungs with a red face and bulging eyes as they walk towards you with clenched fists. Anger can be a very intimidating emotion, especially when you have been the victim of verbal and/or physical abuse in the past.

What is a mother to do when she is confronted with the anger of an adolescent son who is taller and heavier than she is? Sure, dad comes home and tries to intimidate the adolescent son with his anger and the possibility of his physical confrontation. Eventually mom is left to fend for herself when dad is not around the home. Many mothers live in fear of their adolescent child’s anger. Some mothers may attempt to counter their child’s anger with their own anger and overreact in order to regain control in their home.

I recall attempting to utilize the tactic of anger with my own mom when I was in my early teens. She slapped me, grabbed my hair, dragged me up the stairs, threw me in my bedroom, and slammed the door shut behind me. She did what she thought she needed to do to get control over the situation. Today, that would be considered child abuse. It is important not to allow your children’s anger to intimidate or manipulate you.

Don’t let them use anger to get their own way. It is also inappropriate for any parent to attempt to intimidate their children back and engage in physical abuse to regain control of the situation. You want to avoid the intervention of the Child Protective Services agency if at all possible. If they enter your world, they’ll be like a wart on your foot that you can’t get rid of to save your life. However, the Child Protective Services agency is a necessary evil. Who else will protect and advocate for the abused and neglected children in our communities?

Sherry was out of control and a very angry adolescent. She intimidated her parents often into getting her own way. No matter how many times I attempted to persuade her parents to put their foot down and no longer tolerate Sherry’s outbursts, they feared drawing a line in the sand. I warned them on numerous occasions that her anger and manipulations were going to cost them greatly, one way or another, if they did not put their foot down immediately. One night, Sherry’s parents had a confrontation with her about her desire to go out with some friends on a school night. Sherry was mad because her parents were going to go out on a date to celebrate their anniversary while she had to stay home and do her homework. Sherry tried to use anger, but to no avail. When her parents came home later that night, they found their living room and dining room furniture smashed to pieces. Sherry had caused approximately ten thousand dollars worth of destruction in their home. Her parents called me in a crisis and decided it was time to send Sherry to a long-term residential treatment facility. Her behaviors were obviously out of control and they needed more help than they were able to get in an outpatient treatment setting. This was obviously a “Pop-Fly” and very deserving of an immediate admission into a long-term residential treatment center. You will read about “Pop-Flies” in chapter eight. Sherry was put on a plane and transported out of Alaska down to the “Lower 48 States” by her father for treatment. Anger can be a very destructive emotion if left unchecked. Parents must never allow their children to intimidate them with anger in order to get their own way. Parents must also not confront anger with anger; otherwise, they will merely escalate the situation by adding fuel to the fire. If necessary, take a time-out, calm down, and then discipline your child.

4. Fear.

When all else fails, children and adolescents will pull out the thermonuclear warheads. The conventional warfare tactics of guilt, dividing authority, and anger have been unfruitful. Therefore, children and adolescents are now prepared to totally annihilate the enemy. Kids will attempt to intimidate their parents through fear by threatening to beat them up, kill them, hurt themselves, kill themselves, withdraw their love, run away from home, or go to school and shoot their peers. Parents must take all these threats very seriously and respond accordingly. For example, if your child threatens to harm themselves or someone else, you must immediately take them to your local psychiatric hospital or emergency room at your general hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. If your child refuses to cooperate by going to such a facility, you do have the option of contacting your local police department.  Request that they send a police officer to come over to your house and perform a safety check to make sure your child is not a danger to self or others. If necessary, the police should be able to transport your child to the appropriate mental health facility for safety and a psychiatric evaluation.

By taking all threats seriously and responding accordingly, your child will quickly learn that you care. You are not willing to allow him or her to commit harm to self or anyone else. Do not stop with your goal of getting your child evaluated, even if while on the way to a local psychiatric hospital, the child admits that he or she was only trying to manipulate you. Send a message to your child(ren) that you will take each threat seriously and respond accordingly. This will make your child(ren) think twice in the future before they ever make a threatening statement again. 

I cannot over state the importance of taking each threat seriously. I can recall parents who did not take their daughter’s threat of suicide seriously. They thought she just wanted attention. Sadly enough, one day her mother came home from work and found her dead due to an overdose of medication. I don’t have any doubt there are kids who will use threats of suicide as an act of attention-seeking and manipulation; however, you never know if your child will be the one individual who really meant what was said. Therefore, once again, take all threats of harm to self and harm to others seriously and act accordingly. Take a child to the hospital and if you do not have their cooperation, call the police for a safety check. You must keep your child safe and send a message that you will not be manipulated with such tactics.

Fear of harm to self or harm to others is a very effective tool used by children to manipulate authority figures.  During my junior year of high school, we had just completed our basketball season in the State playoffs. Our season record was twenty-five wins and only one loss. We took third in the state and had a very successful season. However, that wasn’t the way I thought or felt about it. As a matter of fact, I was very depressed as a result of losing the one game during the state playoffs, which cost us the opportunity to play for the state championship. Third place wasn’t good enough for me. In my mind, third place really meant second place loser. At that point in my life, having been raised in a dysfunctional family, my role was one of an over-achiever. Well, we lost. Losing was not achieving. In my mind, I let down my family, school, and community of Salem, Oregon. In order to cope with my dysfunctional family environment, in my mind, I became basketball.  I lost; therefore, I became very depressed.  I was unworthy of their love and respect.

After the Oregon State basketball playoffs in March of 1979, I did not want to go back to school and face my peers and teachers. Now in reality, I am sure my peers and teachers didn’t really care about whether or not we played in the championship game. After all, the fact that we made it to the state playoffs allowed my peers to miss many days of school and they were able to travel to Portland, to support us while we played our games. Nevertheless, in my dysfunctional narcissistic adolescent mind, I was a loser and let them all down. As a result of my stinking thinking, I told my parents I needed time to get away and think. I informed them that I was depressed and I didn’t know what I would do if I didn’t have time to get away and think. Did you catch the subtle manipulation using the threat of fear? Well, mom and dad swallowed the bait, hook, line, and sinker. I got to miss school for a week.

My parents allowed me to drive to Seaside, Oregon and spend a week with our family friends. I drove the two-hour trip in approximately an hour and twenty minutes. Along the way, I almost killed myself by attempting to drive my parents’ Pinto station wagon into the pillar of an overpass bridge. Fortunately, by God’s grace, I did not do it. I pulled out of it at the last second. My parents did not take my threat seriously, nor act accordingly. What they should have done was take me to a therapist or a psychiatric hospital for a psychiatric evaluation. During that brief period in my life, I was very depressed and suicidal. As a result of their unwillingness to act accordingly to my threat, they almost had the unfortunate experience of having an Oregon State Trooper come to their front door to inform them of a fatal auto accident involving their son. I am sure they thought they were doing the best thing by letting me go, but the best choice would have been to have me evaluated by a mental health professional. Rest assured, I am much more emotionally stable today. I would no longer consider killing myself over losing a game of basketball or for any other reason.