Chapter Two

The Philosophical Underpinnings of FAMILY Rules

All existing systems of parenting have philosophical underpinnings as their foundation. This is the driving force behind what makes any parenting system work - if it works. Likewise, FAMILY Rules has philosophical underpinnings that make the parenting discipline system work in the home. Many parents lack any kind of a parenting philosophy in their home other than relying on thoughts and feelings once experienced in childhood: “When I’m a parent, I’m not going to raise my kids the way my parents raised me!” Unlike most other parenting systems, FAMILY Rules provides you with more than just philosophical underpinnings for raising your children in the real world. Instead, FAMILY Rules also provides parents with specific steps to implement the philosophy while still allowing parents the opportunity to incorporate their own unique values and morals. The remainder of this chapter will identify and explain the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY Rules.

1. The “real world” is ordered and structured and the lack of order and structure results in chaos.

You will find some form of order and structure most everywhere you go on the earth. These important variables make the world turn. Without order and structure, we wouldn’t know where to go or what to do next. How would we prioritize our goals without knowing the objectives and mission statement? How are decisions to be made? We all can’t be the head. Someone has to be the arms, hands, legs, and feet. Someone has to clean the mess at the bottom and take out the trash. All positions are equally important in making order and structure work. Whether we are talking about various international organizations such as the United Nations, NATO or OPEC; or national governments such as the United States, Russia, or China; or State governments such as New York, Texas, or California; or local governments such as the city assembly, mayor’s office, or the school board; or grass roots groups such as MADD, Guardian Angels, or NAACP; or private groups such as churches, synagogues, the Rotary Club, or Boy Scouts, organization and structure are the bones that hold everything together. Without order and structure, we would all be like lost sheep without a shepherd. We would all be wandering around in the wilderness without purpose or direction. As a result, chaos would ensue like in Cambodia, Somalia, Bosnia, Kosovo, East Timor, and New Orleans, Louisiana after hurricane Katrina hit.

Can you imagine being lucky enough to win two front row tickets on the fifty yard line to watch the Super Bowl? The top two NFL teams are playing for the championship. You arrive at the stadium with your child and there are no lines, just masses of people swarming around the entire sports complex trying to get inside. You see people pushing and shoving while others are yelling obscenities at the gatekeepers. It takes several hours just to get inside. You are a little troubled by the lack of organization at the gates, but you’ll manage, because you are at the Super Bowl for free and you have the best seats in the house! You walk down toward your seats and stop in your tracks as you observe two individuals attempting to obtain their seats next to where your seats are located. There is an intoxicated mob of strong men, World Wrestling Federation material, with painted faces that grab the two individuals and throw them over the railing to the ground below. You contact the stadium security to inform them about what you just witnessed as well as your desire to obtain your prized seats. The stadium chief security officer laughs at you. He says, “It’s first come first served, Mac! Go find some empty seats!” Suddenly, you realize that you won’t be watching the game from the best two seats in the stadium.

You’re finally seated in the last two open seats at the top of the stadium behind one of the goal posts, when the coin toss occurs. The captains of the team calling the coin toss didn’t guess right and decide to beat up the officials. The sidelines clear and a brawl ensues. It takes an hour to get both teams back to their sidelines, and the injured players off the field. While waiting, you talk with the one-eyed guy in the seat next to yours. You

know, the guy with a patch over his eye and a scar across the front of his neck. After some discussion, you learn that he acquired his ticket for this game from an old lady he beat up outside the stadium. He also explains how he lost his eye and got the scar at the last two Super Bowls.

The team finally kicks off and the other team receives the ball. You notice that there are no officials on the field and the clock is not running. The players are throwing the ball back and forth and running anywhere they want to, on and off the field. No one is listening to their coach. After ten more minutes of observation, you quietly exit the stadium because you and your child want to leave alive and unharmed. You have had enough of chaos. Organization and structure would have made your Super Bowl experience much more enjoyable. Fortunately for football fans, the Super Bowl is run with a high degree of professionalism, organization and structure. Most of us have noticed this fact over the years from the best seats in the house - on the couch at home, strategically located near the kitchen and bathroom. These seats are cheap and we won’t miss the Super Bowl commercials.

2. A hierarchy of authority and a healthy respect for it is a vital part of making order and structure work effectively.

Once again, everywhere you go on the earth, you will find evidence of the necessity of order and structure. As previously stated, someone has to be the head. Too many chefs in the kitchen can ruin a good meal. Every church has a pastor or priest. Every synagogue has a rabbi. Every school has a principal. Every city has a mayor. Every state has a governor. Every country has a prime minister, king, president or dictator. A healthy respect for those in authority is definitely a vital part of making order and structure work effectively.

Now imagine your child attending a middle school or high school where the students lack a healthy respect for and compliance to their teachers’ and principal’s authority. The students attend class when they want, fight in the hallways, bring weapons to school, buy and sell drugs on campus, curse at the teachers, and dress offensively without much, if any, consideration for the consequences. Imagine that you want your child to learn in a safe, organized and structured environment, but the school authorities fear implementing consequences. They fear being sued by litigious, irresponsible parents who are more interested in gaining a quick dollar than they are in having their children learn anything at all, especially respect and responsibility. You also learn that the school authorities fear taking a stance because their own school board may not back them up due to the very same fear of possible litigation. As a result, imagine yourself placing your child in a private school or charter school setting where the tolerance level for inappropriate behaviors is much lower and the teachers are supported by their administrators and parents. A civil suit is the last thing on their mind. Teaching children “the three R’s” is the primary focus. Finally, everyone knows that the child will receive consequences at school and at home for breaking the rules, especially for being disrespectful toward authority figures. Imagine that! Parents, teachers and administrators working together, clearly communicating, can foster a healthy respect for authority in the students at home, school and the community.

Please do not mistake the above paragraph as an endorsement of private or charter schools over public schools. I bee edjumakated en dee publik skoolz. I am very happy with the public education I received at Morningside Elementary School, Leslie Middle School, and South Salem High School in Salem, Oregon. I’m pleased with the public education I received at the University of Alaska at Anchorage as well as at Rutgers University in New Jersey. Finally, I’m pleased with the private education I received at George Fox University in Newberg, Oregon. My oldest son has attended both private and public schools. I have been pleased with both learning environments. At present, all four of my children attend public schools and universities.  There are pros and cons to both settings. Nevertheless, regardless of the setting, if students lack a healthy respect for authority at school, none of us as parents will be pleased with their learning environment. Most parents would perceive such a disorderly school setting as being poorly structured and ineffective in addressing our children’s educational needs. We can all work together to improve our children’s respect for the authority, organization, and structure in both public and private educational settings.

3. Authority flows downward; however, without checks, balances, and feedback there is an increased risk of developing an absolute dictatorship (i.e., Absolute power corrupts - ask Adolph Hitler).

The vice-president doesn’t tell the president what to do. The employee doesn’t tell the employer what to do. The defendant doesn’t tell the judge what to do. Finally, a child does not tell a parent what to do. It is a well known fact around the world that authority flows downward. Our own forefathers knew the risk they were taking when they defied the King of England and his Redcoats army. The Confederates knew the risk they were taking when they took on President Abraham Lincoln and the Yankee soldiers. There is power behind authority. Right or wrong, it is this power that makes authority effective. However, absolute power corrupts. It is important for people in positions of authority to be open to feedback from those lower on the totem pole of hierarchy. Otherwise, they will become an absolute dictatorship and develop major blind spots to the error of their ways.

Adolph Hitler was destined for leadership. Initially, he wanted to study in seminary and become a man of the cloth. He had a strong desire to lead others down what he perceived to be a righteous path. Unfortunately, instead of seminary, the doors for the military, and eventually politics, opened up. He was not open to feedback from those serving directly underneath him. His absolute power, his self-perceived righteousness, and his unwillingness to listen to those serving below him eventually corrupted his own heart and mind in addition to the many Germans who blindly followed him. As a result, some of Hitler’s own soldiers tried to assassinate him without success (i.e., Operation Valkyrie). He was bound and determined to demonstrate the dominance of a white Aryan nation. Fortunately, Jessie Owens, an African-American, rained on Hitler’s racist parade during the Olympics in Munich, Germany. Jessie Owens outran Hitler’s best athletes and took the gold medal back to the United States. Unfortunately, Hitler’s leadership abilities were used to murder millions of men, women, and children. You know how the story ends. The Americans and Russians closed in on Berlin and Hitler’s defeat was imminent. He ended up murdering his wife, Eva Braun, and killing himself. Absolute power corrupts and leads to very disappointing conclusions that affect many lives.

Imagine a parent who becomes an absolute dictator in the home. The parental dictator believes he or she knows what is best for the family. The spouse and children are out to lunch. The spouse greatly desires to co-parent, making decisions together, but is forbidden the opportunity to do so because of a lack of cooperation, apathy, insults, abuse, or threats of divorce often used by parental dictators. Imagine the children becoming angry, depressed, and possibly dabbling in inappropriate activities as an act of rebellion against the dominant tyrant in the home. Imagine the spouse of the dictator retreating into his or her own world in order to cope with the harsh reality of living behind the iron curtain where the fear of being shot discourages scaling the wall to escape. This is not an environment that anyone would want to live in whether it is a communist country or an extremely dysfunctional family. Finally, imagine watching another movie on TV about some kid that shoots his father because of a history of physical abuse toward himself and his mother. How about a TV show depicting an abused woman who sets her husband’s bed on fire as a desperate act to escape. Unfortunately these events have happened and, as previously mentioned, absolute power corrupts and leads to very disappointing conclusions. There is a better way. Keep on reading.

4. Families need to be ordered, structured and have a hierarchy of authority. Authority flows downward within families - not upward (i.e., Children must learn to respect authority - parents, teachers, police, clergy, etc.).

Without repeating the obvious, I will assume that you have thoroughly read the proceeding philosophical underpinnings. I was taught in some of my social work and psychology classes that the ideal family system is a democratic one (i.e., King Arthur's round table). Everyone has an equal say and equal vote. The philosophy of democratic parenting was also promoted in some treatment environments where I worked. I was young and idealistic when I first entered the mental health profession. My instructors certainly knew better than what my parents demonstrated for me while I was growing up. Therefore, I attempted to help families learn and practice the democratic model of parenting. There was only one problem. It never worked. Parents quickly became frustrated because common sense told them they should have authority and power in the home, but these so called educated clinicians, including myself, were telling them to parent differently. I remember parents yelling at me about how their kids were going to get away with murder if they actually practiced this model of democratic parenting. They would tell me, “You’re undermining our parental authority!”  I would look at them with a patronizing smile and gently encourage them to defy common sense and practice democratic parenting. Again, it never worked. At this time, I would like to extend a thousand apologies to those families, as should any clinician that promotes the democratic model of parenting. Elevating personal ideology over the practical realities of life and good behavioral science is self-serving and morally reprehensible.

Fortunately, I was exposed to working in other therapeutic treatment environments where democratic parenting was not practiced. Instead, parents were encouraged to take control of their home by becoming benevolent dictators – not absolute dictators. In other words, parents were encouraged to lovingly assert their authority and seek compliance from their children concerning their parental values and morals. Although parents were directed to listen to their child’s thoughts and feelings concerning various issues with a sensitive ear, ultimately, the parents had the final say. There were only two votes – dad’s and mom’s. Children were taught that their parents were in charge and they needed to learn how to submit to their parents’ authority, as well as submitting to the authority of other adults at school, church, synagogue, and in the community. I began to see the benefits of behavior modification and how its techniques were used successfully to gain compliance from children toward parents and other authority figures. 

Eventually, I began to “beg, borrow, and steal” various concepts of behavior modification from my experiences working in different therapeutic settings and from behavioral research. As a result, FAMILY Rules was born. Occasionally, I’ll have parents in my office who want help getting their adolescent’s attitudes and behaviors under control, but they want me to teach them the model of democratic parenting. I flat out refuse to teach them this model and offer FAMILY Rules as a successful alternative. Sometimes, I have to refer these passive parents to another counselor who will coddle them as they stroll down their unsuccessful ideological path.  However, most other parents will reluctantly try to learn and implement FAMILY Rules in their home. Some parents have heard success stories from their friends about FAMILY Rules and become eagerly willing to try it in their own home. Sometimes, I’ll receive a letter or a phone call from these reluctant parents extending appreciation for my sticking to my guns and refusing to teach them the democratic model of parenting. They often share many examples of positive changes in their family due to the correct and consistent implementation of FAMILY Rules (i.e., “the two ‘C’ words”).  You will read about some of their stories later in Chapter 12.

5. A parent’s primary responsibility is to prepare their child(ren) for the “real world” which is ordered, structured and requires a healthy respect for authority.

If the real world is ordered, structured and requires a healthy respect for authority, then why on earth would parents want to teach their children that these realities don’t matter? These kinds of parents are doing their children and the community a great disservice. They are setting their children up for a lifetime of hardship and failure. Parents must take the time, and it does take time, to teach their children correctly and consistently that the real world has rules, regulations, laws, policies, and procedures. These rules need to be obeyed because breaking them can result in unemployment, prison, divorce, or death. Parents are doing their children and community a great service when they teach their children a healthy respect for authority. This is adequate preparation for the real world.  This is how you train up a child in the way they should go.

Unfortunately, some adults are unwilling to change their own bad habits or take the necessary time to correctly and consistently discipline their children. I have worked with some parents who fear taking the reigns of control away from their children because of possible resulting tension, conflict, and rebellion. I try to help them understand that they should fear what will happen to their children if they don’t put their foot down now. Their

child may wind up strung out on drugs, living on the streets, selling their bodies, incarcerated in a youth facility, or dead. Fear of the unknown can be paralyzing for many parents.

Speaking of fear, a healthy respect for authority requires reverent fear. Some therapists, especially those utilizing the democratic model of parenting, will argue against parents utilizing reverent fear as one of their parenting intervention strategies. However, fear is not always a bad thing. Reverent fear of consequences for bad or dangerous choices is good. There is an Old Testament verse that goes something like this, “The fear of God is the beginning of wisdom and only a fool despises discipline.” I believe this verse conveys the truth that only a Silly Billy would tell God and his commandments to take a hike. On the other hand, those who are wise will listen to and obey God. They fear God’s consequences if they don’t obey. There is a verse in the New Testament that goes something like this, “Perfect love casts out fear.” I believe this verse conveys the truth that eventually an individual will want to listen to and obey God. Over time, he or she eventually realizes that God’s commandments were given as an act of love. God’s commandments protect us from harm rather than act as a list of divine rules to ruin our day. In the same way, children who are correctly and consistently disciplined by their parents eventually realize that their parents’ discipline is an act of love - not as an attempt to ruin their children’s lives.  Finally, there's a verse in the New Testament that goes something like this, "We love Him because He first loved us."  In the same way, children eventually mature from a reverent fear-based model of decision making to a love-based model of decision making (i.e., "Our children love us because we first loved them by taking the necessary steps to teach them and to keep them safe").  However, if you're under the belief that children can pop out of the chute and naturally begin their life's journey from a love-based model without you taking the time to train them up in the way they should go (i.e., utilizing rewards and consequences) so when they're older, they won't depart from it, then you're just being a Silly Billy.

An example of reverent fear being good would be teaching your toddlers not to run around in the parking lot at the grocery store. If they do, they might have an appointment with the time-out chair, or worse yet, they might become a parking lot pancake. Another example would involve teaching your adolescent children that they are not going to curse at their teachers, get into fights at school, or go to parties and get drunk or high. If they do, they will endure consequences at home they will live to regret. These consequences do not involve physical abuse and/or prolonged torture. Children who respect and reverently fear authority at home will respect and reverently fear authority away from home.

The bottom line is, regardless of what some well-intended mental health professionals think, fear is a part of life and helps to make the world go round. Without fear, we would be in a heap of trouble. Years ago, when a friend and I were walking along a path adjacent to the Russian River in Alaska, we rounded a corner and ran right into a grizzly bear. The bear was only five feet away from us. The grizzly bear’s face looked shocked and I’m pretty sure our faces looked the same too. I guarantee it! The grizzly bear turned around and ran about fifty feet and so did we in the opposite direction. Then the bear stood on it’s hind legs to look over the brush to see what we were doing. We waved our hands up high in the air and yelled and screamed. We were hoping to scare the bear away. Unfortunately, this grizzly bear had an attitude problem. He growled, dropped down on all four legs, and charged right at us. We were armed only with our fishing poles.

My friend started to run and I grabbed his shoulder and told him, “Walk fast but don’t run! You’ll kick in the bear’s instinct to chase it’s prey!” I followed behind my friend, maintaining a brisk pace, while the grizzly bear followed behind me down the path. Fear is good! Every time I looked over my shoulder to see if the grizzly bear was still behind us, he would growl and charge at me. I prayed like I never prayed before. Fear is good! We continued our brisk pace back to the trailhead that originally brought us down to the river. I looked over my shoulder again. The grizzly bear growled and charged again. I prayed. Fear is good!Finally, we reached the bottom of the hill. The grizzly bear was gone. Now, I was really scared. Where was the bear now? Fear is really good! We ran up the hill to my truck and climbed in back of it. Our hearts were pounding and we both were thanking God that we went to the bathroom before we walked down that trail to the Russian River.

Two days later, while eating breakfast; I read in the Anchorage Daily News that the Fish and Game officers had to shoot the same grizzly bear because he was charging other fishermen. The grizzly bear was trying to intimidate the fishermen in order to get them to drop their fish. He wanted an easy free meal. Unfortunately for the grizzly bear, he lost his fear of man. He was starting to physically bump into them to increase his intimidation. Therefore, he had to be shot. Fear is good! Fear makes the world go round. If we lose our fear, we get into big trouble. Parents need to teach this reality to their children. Today, unfortunately, many children and adolescents lack reverent fear of parents, teachers, police, clergy, and God.

6. Written rules help to clarify expectations which ultimately increases compliance and decreases inappropriate behaviors for most individuals.

Let’s face it. Everywhere we go on the planet, rules, laws, regulations, treaties, policies and procedures are written down. They help us know how to behave with one another. Written rules act as a legal, ethical, and/or social contract between individuals, institutions, and governments. If these written standards are not complied with, then people lose their jobs, go to prison, pay penalties and interest, or work off community service hours. Nations might even go to war if a treaty is broken. The rules are written down at schools, churches, synagogues, work, clubs, governments, bars, and even on airplanes.

Every institution on the planet has taken the time to develop and post written rules, except the most important institution in the world - the family. In the family, most parents have the rules listed in their minds only. Mom has a list of rules floating around inside her head and dad has a list of rules floating around inside his head. Some of these rules overlap in agreement; however, mom has rules that dad doesn’t know about, or he does know about them and he doesn’t like them. Likewise, dad has a list of rules floating around inside his head that mom doesn’t know about, or she does know about them and she doesn’t like them either. This common scenario in most homes leads to great tension and conflict between spouses as well as between parents and their children.

The fact that most parents don’t write down their rules for the family often causes their children to conduct Vulcan mind-melds to obtain the rules from their parents’ brains. In other words, many children have to guess at what will or won’t please their parents each day. Whether or not certain rules will be enforced may depend on one or both parent’s mood and energy levels. How confusing for the kids! Parents are supposed to prepare their children for living in the real world. Doesn’t it make sense that the rules at home should be written down just like everywhere else on the planet? Who can argue against plain old common sense? Oops! I spoke too soon.

I once talked with a therapist who I will refer to as Clyde. He did not see the value in writing down the rules in the home. Clyde wanted to see the research to back up my philosophical statement: “Written rules help to clarify expectations which ultimately increases compliance and decreases inappropriate behaviors for most individuals.” Well, first things first. I informed Clyde that a former psychology instructor of mine once stated during a statistics lecture, “Good research often confirms common sense to be true” or “What everyone pretty much already knew to be true is actually true.” Secondly, I reminded Clyde that everywhere we go on the planet, important rules, laws, regulations, treaties, policies and procedures are written down. It is a way of life for all institutions, micro and macro, to help clarify expectations via appropriate communication. In other words, written rules help all of us to stay on the same page.

Finally, I informed the skeptical therapist, Clyde, that if writing down the rules was good enough for the State Division of Occupational Licensing (SDOL) as well as God, then it was good enough for me. Clyde responded, “What do you mean by that?” I responded, “If the SDOL thought it was important enough to specifically spell out in a handbook what it takes to obtain or lose a license to work in the mental health field, then it is good enough for me. Also, if God thought it was important enough to have the Old and New Testaments recorded, including the Ten Commandments, in order to clarify His expectations for the human race and to increase our

compliance with His standards, then it is good enough for me today. I’ll use the same method with my children in our home.”  It’s amazing how I see parents and professionals alike scramble in their minds while they try to deny the reality of this simple truth.  But wait, there’s more.

I explored further why Clyde was being so apprehensive about something that made absolute common sense. He shared his personal preference to “fly by the seat of my pants” without having to adhere to much order and structure. Clyde wasn’t used to imposed boundaries and accountability and often, unknowingly, violated the boundaries of others. When boundaries were clarified for Clyde, he would become angry and oppositional. I wonder why Clyde was skeptical? Perhaps some unresolved issues were interfering there, huh? Clyde didn’t want to be confused by the reality of common sense. The scary thing is that there are therapists like Clyde out there who unknowingly mess up your kids. I meant “work” with your kids.  Although they truly mean well, they’re only throwing fuel on the fire of adolescent rebellion via their own errant ideology.

Before I explain how the parenting system works to children and adolescents, I often share the following analogy with them in my private practice or at my FAMILY Rules seminars. I ask them to imagine how they would think and feel if they woke up the next morning and read in the newspaper, watched on TV or heard on the radio that the governor of their state had stepped down from office. In addition, the state legislature had suspended itself and all state law. There were no more local, county, or state police, the military bases were closed, and everyone was released from jail and prison. Most kids look shocked and tell me that they would feel very afraid of what others might do to them and their families. Naturally, there are always a few oppositional kids that say something like, “Cool!” I always respond by saying, “Cool, huh? So it would be cool if Joe Schmoe comes by your house, blows your dad away, slices your mothers throat, rapes and tortures you before burning you alive in your home, after, of course, looting your home for all the money and valuables they can find?”

Even the most oppositional children are eventually willing to concede that written rules help to protect all of us from others as well as ourselves. Defiant children are used to living by a double standard and they don’t like having it pointed out to them. They want to have everyone else follow the rules, but they don’t want to live under the same obligation. Oppositional children want their parents to care for them by providing food, clothing, shelter, education, and medical attention. However, they also want to come and go as they please, drink alcohol and use illicit drugs, smoke, skip school, cheat, steal, have sex, and have the right to treat others rudely. They want to be masters of their own destiny and live by their own set of rules, even if their rules violate the rules in their home, school, church, synagogue, and/or community. Basically, they want their cake and the freedom to eat it, too. Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen as long as “Dr. J” is alive and well. That would be me. I work with parents to clarify their expectations through written rules. In the long run, my experience has been that written rules help to increase compliance with parental expectations. This is especially true when the written rules and subsequent rewards and consequences are implemented correctly and consistently (i.e., “the two ‘C’ words).

Now that you have finished reading through the six philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY, let’s quickly review the six statements in bold italic print:

1. The “real world” is ordered and structured and the lack of order and structure results in chaos.

2. A hierarchy of authority and a healthy respect for it is a vital part of making order and structure work effectively.

3. Authority flows downward; however, without checks, balances, and feedback there is an increased risk of developing an absolute dictatorship (i.e., Absolute power corrupts - ask Adolph Hitler).

4. Families need to be ordered, structured and have a hierarchy of authority. Authority flows downward within families - not upward (i.e., Children must learn to respect authority - parents, teachers, police, clergy, etc.).

5. A parent’s primary responsibility is to prepare their child(ren) for the “real world” which is ordered, structured and requires a healthy respect for authority.

6. Written rules help to clarify expectations which ultimately increases compliance and decreases inappropriate behaviors for most individuals.

If you agree with the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY Rules, please continue to read this book. If you don’t agree with the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY Rules, please read through them again.  If after reading this section for a second time, you still don’t agree with the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY Rules, please give this book to someone else who will benefit from reading it. This is America and you have the freedom to raise your children the way you want to. However, please ask them not to run for the office of the President of the United States. We need respectful leaders who understand the way the real world works.

Important Definitions in order to Understand FAMILY Rules

Throughout the years, I occasionally hear parents say something like, “This FAMILY Rules system of yours sure sounds awfully rigid to me. I’m not sure if something like this will help us with our family problems.” Although they were correct in implying that rigidity would not help their family through troubled times, they were incorrect in their assumptions that FAMILY Rules is a rigid system. FAMILY Rules is a flexible system. It is a living and breathing document. The rules are not chiseled in stone. The list of rules can be added to, deleted from, or modified at anytime. I’ll explain more about this later in chapter eight. FAMILY Rules provides order and structure for parents pertaining to their already existing rules and disciplinarian intervention strategies. FAMILY Rules doesn’t offer much of anything new. Instead, it helps to organize and structure what parents are already trying to do, but in a much more effective way.

Let’s take a closer look at a few key definitions that contribute to the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY:

Order - 1. A condition of logical or coherent arrangement among the individual elements of a group. 2. A. A condition of standard or prescribed arrangement among component parts, such that proper functioning or appearance is achieved. B. Systematic arrangement and design. 3. A. The established organization or structure of society. B. The rule of law and custom or the observance of prescribed procedure (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2008).

Simply put, FAMILY Rules offers parents a logical arrangement for their family. It helps facilitate clear expectations and standards in order to achieve proper family functioning and appearance. FAMILY Rules, by design, is systematic in its arrangement. FAMILY Rules helps prepare children for the established organization and structure of society. Children learn the rule of law and custom and how to observe prescribed procedures at home, school, church, synagogue, and in their community. Order is good. Order is not rigid. FAMILY Rules is ordered - not rigid.

Let’s take a look at another key definition that is a significant building block in the philosophical underpinnings of FAMILY Rules:

Structure - 1. Something made up of a number of parts held or put together in a specific way. 2. The manner in which parts are arranged or combined to form a whole. 3. Interrelation of parts in a complex entity. 4. Relatively intricate or extensive organization. 5. To give form or arrangement to. (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2008).

FAMILY Rules assists parents by organizing their values and morals (i.e., expectations) in a specific way that forms a whole system of family structure. The system gives form or arrangement to what is often identified as “flying by the seat of their pants” (i.e., “parenting by ear”). Quite often, parents cross their fingers and pray that their children will survive adolescence. With FAMILY Rules, parents can take a proactive positive approach instead of “parenting by ear.” FAMILY Rules helps them organize and structure their approach to parenting. No more “flying by the seat of your pants” or “playing it by ear.”

Just for the fun of it, let’s take a peek at the definition for rigid/rigidity. Since some parents think there is a possibility that FAMILY Rules might be too rigid for them, they should at least try and understand what rigid really means. The definition is as follows:

Rigid/Rigidity - 1. Not bending: INFLEXIBLE. 2. Not moving: Stationary. 3. Difficult. Synonyms: stiff, unbending, unyielding. Core meaning: not changing shape or bending (rigid iron bars). (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2008).

FAMILY Rules is anything but rigid. If you haven’t figured it out by now while reading up to this point in my book, then you will have it figured out by the end of the book. As previously stated, FAMILY Rules is flexible and is a living and breathing document. It is not chiseled in stone. As long as both parents are in agreement, they can add rules, delete rules, and/or modify existing rules anytime they want to.

Once again, order and structure are not the same as rigid/rigidity. FAMILY Rules provides order and structure but it is not rigid. FAMILY Rules is a living and breathing document that can change over time. It bends, it’s flexible, it moves, it’s easy, and it changes shape as needed. If you’re still thinking that FAMILY Rules is rigid, it is because you lack a proper understanding of the previous definitions and how they differ from one another. Structure and order are healthy and necessary to make the “real world” and families run smoothly. If you still can’t see this, there is a serious possibility that you may have unresolved issues from your past with authority, structure and discipline that are interfering with your present ability to rationally perceive what I’m trying to convey. Consider addressing these issues in therapy before implementing any kind of parenting program.

Now, before we move on to the next chapter, we need to take a quick peek at a couple more definitions. FAMILY Rules utilizes consequences for bad behaviors (e.g., Good Habit Cards), as well as rewards for good behaviors (e.g., Daily Tokens and RAK chips). Every once in awhile, I have a parent say the following concerning the rewards aspect of the system: “You’re asking me to bribe my kid to behave. I shouldn’t have to bribe my kid to do the right thing!” I couldn’t agree more with the concerned parent. The very definition of the word, “bribe,” means something completely different than the understanding the concerned parent is conveying. Bribe is defined as follows:

Bribe - 1. Something, as money or a favor, offered or given to someone in a position of trust to induce him or her to act dishonestly (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2008).

The FAMILY Rules parenting system would never encourage parents to offer money or a favor to their children to induce them to act dishonestly. Quite the contrary, FAMILY Rules encourages honest behaviors and seeks to move children in a positive direction toward conforming to their parents’ values and morals (i.e., expectations). I would never ask a parent to bribe their child. Reward their child, yes. Bribe their child - absolutely not!

Since the “R” word was brought up (i.e., reward), maybe we should take a quick peek at what the definition truly means:

Reward - 1. Something, as money given or offered especially for a special service [i.e., involving honest behavior]. 2. A satisfying result (Merriam-Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary, 2008).

Clearly, FAMILY Rules encourages parents to reward, not bribe, their children for their good behaviors which bring about satisfying results for everyone involved. Happy children make for happy parents. Happy parents make for happy children. It’s a never ending circle of familial bliss which is certainly better than the other conflictual option which many families experience.

In summary, compensating your children for good behaviors is not bribery. Adults are rewarded in their jobs by receiving paychecks, bonuses, awards, trips, raises, tips, promotions, recognition by the company, the coveted parking space near the front door, and other possible benefits. Likewise, children are rewarded for good behaviors by their parents. This is appropriate preparation for the real world. You’ll never ever insist that your employer stop rewarding you for your good hard efforts on the job. Likewise, go therefore to your domicile and bless the buns of the fruit of your loins or womb (i.e., reward your children when they do well).