Chapter One
Where’s the Instruction Manual on Parenting?
“They didn’t give us an instruction manual on parenting when we
brought our child home from the hospital!” “They didn’t give us a
warranty either!” These are commonly stated phrases among parents I
have worked with over the years. Personally, I can relate to both
statements. The “how to” questions of parenting never end. First, I
have often wondered “where do the batteries go” in all three of my
children? What about other “trouble shooting” problems such as when
the talking, crying, screaming, fighting and laughing buttons get
stuck in the “on” position? Where’s the Prozac button so everyone is
happy? Where’s the Kaopectate button so the brown stuff firms up?
Finally, where’s the psychostimulant button so they can focus and
slow down?Second, there have
been times when dads have wanted to return the apparent defective
product directly to the production plant; however, wives raised
strong objections to this idea. It’s one thing to watch the birth
videos in reverse, it’s another thing to… well, you get the picture.
So, I guess we all are kind of stuck with the little “Rug Rats,”
“Curtain Climbers,” “Carpet Crawlers,” “Teeny Boppers,” “Crumb
Crunchers,” and “Adult Wannabe’s.” Besides, no other kids are as
smart and as good looking as our children. Right? Right!
Problems arise around the age of two when our cute little toddlers
start to say, “No.” In our case, with Micah, it was “No. No. No.
No.” Okay, I confess, it is cute and sometimes funny at first. It is
also developmentally necessary for our children to start the process
of becoming their own individual selves - separate from mom and dad.
However, as our toddlers pass through the “terrible-two’s,” become
children, and inevitably teenagers, they say “no” louder and with
much more frequency, determination, and defiance.
The challenge of parenting is to balance our children’s
developmental needs, such as autonomy, individuation, and identity
with plain old common sense. We want them to take responsibility for
their choices and to develop a healthy respect for authority.
Therefore, the issues that parents want addressed in an “instruction
manual for parenting” are the following: (1) help to better organize
and structure their families, (2) practical parenting tools which
will assist them in teaching the proper morals and values to their
children, (3) assistance in clearly communicating expectations to
their children while giving them reasonable rewards and consequences
for their choices, and (4) an alternative to going insane or slowly
torturing their kids to death. Just kidding! Please do not try this
at home!
Let’s face it, parents have a challenging task and they want to do
it right the first time. Most parents desire to see their child grow
up to become a successful contributing member of society rather than
an inmate in the county jail or state correctional institution.
Please take notice of the fact that I used the word “most” and not
“all” when referring to parental desires for their children. Some
parents don’t appear to care at all as to how their children grow
up. The truth is, parental action or inaction speaks louder than
words.
We are living in troubled times when you consider how children and
adolescents are behaving today. The terrible tragedy at Columbine
High School in Littleton, Colorado confirms this harsh reality. This
fact is true no matter where I travel in the United States or around
the world. While in Western Samoa, I spoke with a parent from
Australia and another parent from New Zealand who expressed their
concerns about the poor choices adolescents are making in their
countries as well as the disrespect they continually convey toward
adult authority figures. After explaining F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules to
them, they expressed an urgent desire to see F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules
published and distributed in their countries, too. A look beneath
the surface reveals that many parents are concerned, but don’t know
what to do. In most cases, parental action and/or inaction has
contributed to their children’s inappropriate behaviors.
Parental Action
Some examples of parental actions that contribute to
a child’s inappropriate, acting out behaviors are verbal, physical,
and/or sexual abuse in the home, role modeling poor attitudes about
authority, poor diet, lack of exercise, and low self-esteem.
Essentially, this is about parents not walking their talk or
practicing what they preach. Quite frankly, consistency is a major
challenge for all of us. From a personal perspective, it is an
ongoing challenge for me to Correctly and
Consistently implement F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in my own home
because I am a creature of habit just like everyone else (i.e., “the
two ‘C’ words”). I like the comfort of daily routines even if those
routines are self-serving, counterproductive to my goals for raising
my children and counterproductive to my own health. For me, the path
of least resistance is the most comfortable path as well as the most
nonproductive one. It took a public service reminder from a
supportive friend to practice Correct and
Consistent implementation of F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in my own
home - and I’m the author of the system! Imagine that! Consistent
parenting helped my children to behave better.
I once worked with a family in Oregon. Martha, a very tall mother,
took great pride in butting heads with school board members,
teachers, and city officials. She talked openly in front of her
children about the incompetence of various authorities. These
authorities were always wrong and Martha was always right. Also,
Martha always verbalized self-put downs concerning her height to her
children. She viewed her height as a handicap and didn’t wish this
curse on anyone, especially her children.
Martha was shocked when I had the gall to suggest that possibly her
parental role-modeling contributed to her very tall son’s defiance
toward the authority of school officials, as well as his low
self-esteem concerning his own height. You see, Martha brought her
son, Warren, into therapy because her son’s defiance toward
authority at school started to infiltrate her own home. Warren was
telling her “no” more frequently and defiantly. What goes around
comes around. She didn’t like the idea that her actions contributed
to her son’s problem behaviors. I taught F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules to
Martha and her husband which they reluctantly chose to implement in
their home with their son. They were reluctant because they were
required to walk the talk. Martha wasn’t allowed to violate her own
rules for her son. She couldn’t talk negatively about authority
figures, she couldn’t swear, and she had to talk positively about
her own height. Through counseling and the implementation of
F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in their home, the family was turned right side
up. During the following year, I ran into Martha at the state fair.
She shared with me that Warren was doing much better. He was no
longer getting into trouble at school and he actually appreciated
his height. She acknowledged her initial reluctance to implement
F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules, but was glad she did. She was also glad I
confronted her about low self-esteem issues concerning her own
height which eventually effected her very tall son. The cognitive
intervention strategies via counseling were also helpful in turning
her thinking around in a more positive direction.
I could relate to Martha and her son, Warren, concerning their
issues surrounding being very tall. I’m six feet nine inches tall
and have been taller than my peers my whole life. While in grade
school, I would often come home crying. Taking the time to uncover
the reason, my mother discovered my peers were making fun of me
because I was much taller than they were. They called me many names
and excluded me from their games on the playground during recess. My
mother is tall. She talked about her height and my own height with
great pride. She taught me to think about my height in many positive
ways. As a result, I have used my height to open doors for me
socially, academically (via a college basketball scholarship), in
the area of employment, and in the arena of public speaking. My
height and humor go a long way when speaking to a group of people.
Being a doctor of psychology helps as well. Finally, knowing and
trusting in God is the icing on the cake that opens doors for
success.
Another example of parental actions that contributed to their
child’s problems is in the case of Todd, Kris, and David. There were
referred to my office in New Jersey because David was caught at
school with marijuana, a marijuana pipe, and mushrooms. I was
confused during the diagnostic interview as to why Todd and Kris,
the parents, only verbalized concern about David possession of
mushrooms and not marijuana. After all, this was David’s third
offense involving the possession of marijuana. What parents in their
right mind wouldn’t be incensed by now?
I later put one and one together in the subsequent counseling
sessions. Todd and Kris verbalized an ideology that society as a
whole is wrong about narcotics and that all drugs should be
legalized, especially marijuana. They openly espoused their ideology
in front of David, and yet, they were surprised that he was busted
for a third time on school grounds for possession of drugs. Duh!
When I raised the possibility that their personal ideology was
contributing to the delinquency of their minor, they genuinely
looked puzzled. Although they thought the drug laws were wrong, they
thought their son had enough common sense not to bring drugs to
school. In their minds, the problem was their son’s lack of common
sense - not their ideology. They refused to learn F.A.M.I.L.Y.
Rules. Needless to say, in spite of all the wonderful counseling I
had to offer, their son remains at high risk for using drugs and
getting busted again for possession on school grounds. When the
inevitable happens, I’m sure they’ll blame their son’s lack of
common sense or my counseling - not their ideology nor their own
parental actions. After all, they’re right and it’s the rest of us
who are wrong.
Parental Inaction
Some examples of parental inaction that contribute to childhood
problems and defiance consist of neglect, abandonment, absences due
to a workaholic attitude and/or the lack of taking disciplinary
action. Parents are often afraid to act, fearing that their child
may run away, become violent, withdraw, never talk to them again, or
commit an act of self-harm, including the possibility of suicide.
I once worked with a single parent named, Connie, who had an
adolescent son, Ed, and an adolescent daughter, Teresa. Ed and
Teresa slapped, punched, kicked, and cussed at their mother with a
sailor’s vocabulary. They often slammed her against the wall and
threatened her life. Connie experienced constant verbal and physical
abuse by Ed and Teresa when they were home. They came and went as
they pleased and defied school authority as well. Connie feared
putting her foot down with her children because she didn’t want to
be physically abused more frequently than she already was. They also
threatened her with the possibility that they would leave and go
live with their father in another state if she didn’t let them do
what they wanted to do.
I helped Connie to rebuild her self-esteem after several counseling
sessions. She needed to see herself as having a parental backbone of
steel rather than a wet spaghetti noodle. Then I taught her
F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules and helped explain it to her children. I never
heard so much swearing in my life and I used to play college
basketball (my teammates were not missionaries in the locker room).
Connie put her foot down in one session and told Ed and Teresa that
they were going to follow F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in their home or they
could go live with their father. Connie also told them that she
would press assault charges if they ever physically abused her
again. Connie took the wind out of Ed and Teresa’s sails as they
never really wanted to go live with their father. They were merely
using the threat of leaving their mother as a means of control over
her. Once I convinced Connie that Ed and Teresa were bluffing her
like a hustler in a Las Vegas poker game, she called their bluff.
They were no longer king of the hill and went tumbling down the hill
while their mother ascended to the throne. Their family was turned
right side up. As a result, their behaviors improved greatly at home
and at school.
Approximately two years later, Connie returned to my office at her
children’s insistence. They all informed me that their family life
was taking a turn for the worse again. Ed and Teresa were not happy
campers. Apparently, Connie was dropping the ball concerning correct
and consistent implementation of F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in their home.
Remember “the two ‘C’ words?” Correct and consistent implementation.
Surprisingly, Ed and Teresa were demanding the reinstitution of
F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in their home. They were tired of their mother’s
yelling and inconsistent implementation of rewards and consequences.
It takes a great amount of effort to maintain a consistent bedtime
when the sun is still high up in the sky at midnight. Connie fell
victim to the Alaska summer - the land of the midnight sun. It was
easier to let her kids run free than correctly and consistently
implement F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules.
Connie also disregarded the doctor’s orders, or in this case, the
psychologist’s orders. Whenever I teach F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules to a
family, I tell them to take it until it is all gone. Usually, the
family members will look at me with weird expressions on their faces
and ask, “What do you mean by ‘until it’s all gone?’” At that point,
I provide a little education utilizing an analogy about physicians
instructing their patients to take their medication as prescribed
until it’s all gone. Often, physicians warn their patients about
discontinuing their medication simply because they are starting to
feel better. Some people will save the remainder of their medication
so they will have it available the next time they are sick because
they don’t want to have to endure the inconvenience and expense of
seeing their physician again. However, because they choose not to
listen to their physician, and finish their medication, the illness
comes back and hits them with a double strength whammy. These
patients end up going back to their physician, eventually spending
more time and money getting over their sickness. They would have
gotten better sooner if had they just followed their physician’s
orders.
In the same manner, families need to take F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules until
it’s all gone. In other words, F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules should be
implemented in the home until the last child has turned eighteen,
graduated from high school, and has moved out. Connie’s parental
inaction led to her own chastisement by her son and daughter, who
used to verbally and physically abuse her. Connie thought their home
life was going much better so she backed off of the correct and
consistent implementation of F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules in their home. Ed
and Teresa wanted consistent structure and order in their home and
turned their mom in to the F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules police. That would be
me or any other counselor who teaches F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules to the
parents they work with.
Finally, parental inaction can be clearly seen in the case of Jason
and Cathy concerning their adopted son, Carl. For many years, Carl
seemed like the perfect kid; however, he slowly began to change for
the worse as his adoption issues began to surface. He began to hang
out with the wrong crowd, smoke, and use drugs. Eventually, he
dropped out of school. He threatened to beat up his mother and
father whenever they attempted to confront him about his problems.
They were legitimately afraid to take action because Carl had beaten
up his older brother, Keith, with a baseball bat during the previous
year. Their parental paralysis, caused by fear of Carl’s threats,
was contributing to his demise.
Jason and Cathy are humble, gracious, God-loving people. They
decided to give Carl space and love him back into being a good boy,
but his problems worsened. Unknowingly, they were loving him to
death. They sought out my counseling and psychological testing
services to help them deal with Carl. After meeting with Carl and
his parents for a couple of sessions, I had to inform Jason and
Cathy that Carl was in need of long-term residential treatment to
address his conduct disorder. Carl’s attitudes and behaviors were
greatly out of control. He had no respect for his parents, other
authority figures, or for himself. He was headed down the proverbial
slippery slide to incarceration or a premature death. He needed
intensive long-term residential treatment immediately or it would
be, “Hasta-la-bye-bye” for him one way or another.
Needless to say, my recommendation was a real challenge for Jason
and Cathy to accept. They did not want to send Carl away again. They
had already sent him to a snow board school in the lower 48 states
and saw no improvements. Carl claimed abandonment issues related to
his adoption. Carl knew how to push their guilt buttons. I assured
them that the World Wide Association of Specialty Programs (www.wwasp.com)
have high quality treatment facilities, have a fantastic success
rate, and most likely have the best programs on the Planet Earth to
help their son. I gave them names and phone numbers of other parents
who had sent their children to this program so they could talk with
them for encouragement. I also told them about a support group for
parents with troubled teens that meets at the local hospital in
Fairbanks every other Sunday. Jason and Cathy understandably
hesitated. They needed time to think and pray.
As time progressed, Carl’s behaviors worsened. He made it clear that
he was his own boss and was not going to obey his parents or any
other adult authority figures. The occasional resurfacing of Carl’s
nice qualities kept his parents hanging on to a thin thread of hope
that he would ultimately change and they would not need to
intervene. The sun went down on their hope and Jason and Cathy
eventually realized and accepted the fact that Carl needed
residential treatment as soon as possible. He was almost seventeen
so they only had one year left to effect positive change in his
life. They were finally willing to put their foot down and implement
the “teeth” F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules provides and encourages as a last
resort option. Thus, I provided Carl’s parents with professional
escort options and ended up escorting him to Western Samoa. I’ll
provide more details on Carl’s story later in the book. Stay tuned.
Children Have Free Will
Although parental actions or inactions speak louder than words and
greatly influence the family, please don’t forget that children and
adolescents also have free will. They can choose to obey or disobey
in spite of parental influences to the contrary.
I have worked with almost perfect parents who appeared to have a
serial killer or international terrorist for a child. They walk the
talk, lover their children unconditionally, provide them with
correct and consistent structure, and their children still choose to
jump off into the deep end of the cesspool of defiance and
disobedience. Also, I have worked with “parents from hell,” who have
children on the honor roll, participating in school sports and
clubs, and don’t drink, smoke, or chew and they don’t hang out with
kids who do.
While attending graduate school in Oregon, I worked with a gentleman
named Allen. He was a nice man who was overwhelmed by much pain and
anger rooted in his past. Allen grew up in a home with parents who
loved him very much. They poured their time and resources into
correcting his developmental problems (e.g., feet, hearing, speech,
and orthodontic problems) and they invested themselves into his
athletic development. This investment eventually led to his
obtaining a full-ride scholarship to play collegiate football.
However, in spite of their love and devotion, they also had problems
in their family. Allen’s mom’s alcoholism kicked in right around the
time he entered the ninth grade. His father always had an anger
management problem and the stress of his job didn’t help matters.
Allen’s parents would occasionally take turns verbally and
physically abusing their kids - his mom, during her drunken states,
and his dad, during his anger episodes.
Once, when Allen was a senior in high school, his mom came into his
bedroom in the early morning hours. Allen was sound asleep. His mom
was drunk. She proceeded to slap Allen out of his sleep and told him
what a lousy son he was. Her tirade went on for a few minutes while
Allen laid there in shock. He was very confused by her words because
he was receiving very good grades, active in sports, participating
in the school choir, active in the youth group at church, and he
never drank alcohol or used drugs. Allen’s mom ended her tirade by
stating, “I wish you were never born!” She left his room. Allen laid
in his bed, crying, staring up at this ceiling in the darkness.
Although he loved his parents, Allen was hurt and angry at God for
sticking him in this family. He prayed, “What did I ever do to
deserve this treatment, God?”
For as long as Allen could remember, his parents seldom ever got
along. He remembered being a very frightened three-year old, lying
in his upstairs bedroom, while his parents were downstairs yelling
and screaming at each other. This went on just about every night. In
spite of this, Allen sometimes felt safe because he was in his bed,
in his room, with his blanket. Now, fifteen years later, their anger
had finally invaded the refuge of Allen’s bedroom. Allen’s mom
returned to his bedroom five minutes later crying, still very drunk,
wanting to apologize for what she had said. She wanted Allen to
forgive her and she wasn’t going to leave his bedroom until he gave
her a hug and a kiss. Needless to say, Allen did not want to touch
her. Her breath smelled like a brewery. If someone lit a match at
that moment in time, they probably would have lost the backside of
their house. Allen was hurt, angry, and wanted to vomit due to the
stench. The thought of her hugging and kissing him was more than he
could handle.
At that time in Allen’s life, during his senior year, he was quite
large for his age. Being a rather big football player, he could have
picked up his mom and thrown her out of his room; however, Allen
loved her and respected her. Allen chose to honor her with his
behaviors rather than to use her alcoholism and verbal and physical
abuse as an excuse to hurt her back. Allen eventually gave his mom a
hug and a kiss just to get her out of his bedroom. She left his room
feeling better. Allen still laid in his bed, crying, staring up at
the ceiling, asking god, “Why?!!!” The next morning, Allen’s mom
acted like nothing happened the night before. He was very hurt.
Years later, Allen learned that his mom was experiencing an
alcoholic blackout. She had damaged brain cells from her drinking.
Alcohol had damaged her brain cells so much she could not remember
what happened that night in Allen’s bedroom.
In spite of the occasionally abusive environment that Allen grew up
in as a child and adolescent, he still knew the difference between
right and wrong and he chose to do what was right. Allen did not use
his parents’ shortcomings and mistakes as an excuse to behave in the
same inappropriate ways. Thanks to the positive influence of Allen’s
youth pastor, his goal as an adolescent was to honor his dad and mom
no matter what. Allen never got drunk, high, nor did he ever assault
anyone. Yet, it is amazing to me how many times I encounter
adolescents in my private practice who use their dysfunctional
family environments as an excuse to behave like Mike Tyson or Marv
Albert. They are constantly ‘biting’ the hands that feed them.
Although parents can influence their children for better or worse,
never forget that a child’s “free will” is always an important
variable that is mixed into the stew pot of life. A child can choose
to behave wrong even though raised right. This can be very
perplexing at times. Nevertheless, children should be held
accountable for their choices. Sometimes parents opt not to hold
their children accountable because of their own guilt from past
parental mistakes. This parental inaction only leads to the creation
of monsters in their home.
As I was previously saying, children have free will. F.A.M.I.L.Y.
Rules is not a “let’s blame the parents” book. Rather, it’s a “let’s
help the parents increase the odds of raising emotionally healthy
and obedient children” book. Perfect children is not the goal of
F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules. Increased compliance with and respect for adult
authority is the goal of F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules via positive parenting.
“Honor your father and mother” is not a bad virtue for children to
learn. Most parents would not argue with this goal, but
surprisingly, some parents do. Imagine that. I will comment in more
detail concerning this sad truth in the next chapter.
A message from Dr. Matthew Johnson:
Dear Positive Parenting Website Browser,
Thank you for taking the time to read Chapter One. I hope you liked
it. Positive Parenting with a Plan (Grades K-12): F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules
has a total of twelve chapters. Chapter Eight is the meat and
potatoes of the book; however, you must read the first seven
chapters to thoroughly understand Chapter Eight. You will want to
read the last four chapters too. There are also many helpful
appendices in the back of the book. Finally, many mental health
professionals have purchased this book to help teach the parents
they work with to provide an organized and structured approach to
parenting in their homes. If you decide to purchase this book and
implement it correctly and consistently in your home, you will
consider it to be one of the best and cheapest investments you have
ever made in your life to improve your family environment.
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